Time

“Time won’t you move faster
Time won’t you stand still
Time won’t you just slow down
Oh I’ve had my fill..”

The thought of time seems to oscillate in my heart. 

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There are days where I feel I am bathing in the luxury of endless time. No agenda, no burdens. The sounds of a crackling fire, laughing children, or bird calls wrap me in a perfect blanket of stillness.  I freeze moments as precious memories as I look through windows. I fill my lungs with the fresh smells of sun on pine and heather, blooming bulbs of narcissus, the ancient memories of dusty wood beams in old storehouses, or cinnamon and butter wafting from the kitchen. I give thanks for the beauty of the stones and birch trees, the bounty of good berries, the hills that invite play and adventure, the falls that freeze and thaw, roar and trickle.

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Then there is a sudden gasp for breath, as though I’ve awoken from a nightmare. The flutter of panic ensues, as I recognize the fixed allotment of this season together. Another week has passed and I wonder at whether the time is being used wisely or if the hours have been squandered. Is it possible for all that is in my heart to be realized?

I know the wobbling uncertainty is a product of fear. Anxiety is always a tell for me; joy, peace and clarity all evaporate as I listen to myself run through the list of all that might be done and the speeding garble of my thoughts on how to make it happen. I watch the kids grow before my eyes, even as I watch the snow melt and I panic at the tempo of life. 

“Feel the moments passing
Like shadows in the night
Precious days are gone now
Fading from the light…”

Time is defined by our finite humanity as a commodity to lose. Time is given or stolen; it slips away or is taken from us.

“Time you are the thief
That’s never giving back
Slipping through my fingers
Sand I’ll never grasp..”

From the days of childhood, the clocks abound. We track the seconds on our wrists, on the walls, on our screens. We are submerged and consumed by the constant reminder of the passing day.

“Subtle as a whisper
Ruthless as a fire
You’re the silent reaper
You take what you desire…”

It’s possible that we all are witnesses to and willing participants in the foolish relationship between humanity and time.

“For God so loved…that He gave His only son. That whoever believes in Him, shall not perish, but have everlasting life.” – John 3:16

I love Ann Vosskamp’s reflections on this verse in her book, One Thousand Gifts: “In Christ, don’t we have everlasting existence? Don’t Christians have all the time in eternity, life everlasting? If Christians run out of time, wouldn’t we lose our very existence? If anyone should have time, isn’t it the Christ-follower?”

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I’ve agreed to living within the Kingdom of God, that which Jesus came to establish. And yet, the constriction in my own mind bares down, attempting a coup upon the peace whose purpose it is to govern my understanding of all things -of eternity itself.

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your request to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” -Philippians 4:6-7

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It is only when I slow my mind and watch with the eyes of my heart, that I can truly see all that is happening around me. I swing a little longer in the hammock, I read another chapter out-loud, I schedule another family movie night: I pray, I ask, I listen.  

The grandfather clock is poised silently in the corner of the hearth room; father time’s pendulum is standing still.  His grip shatters when I receive the benediction: the everlasting nature of grace and joy abound in thanksgiving.

The quotations used throughout this blog are song lyrics written by my dear friend, Kathryn Isely. Her song, “Time” invites the listener to consider and acknowledge the ways we incorrectly view time, and in that acknowledgement, find freedom. Please give this beautiful and haunting song a listen HERE.